The Power of Thanks

I have recently been convicted of being a helicopter mom to my teen, forever nagging and repeating my many requests for her to do stuff - whether it's to clean her room, do her chores etc etc and certainly not trusting her to do it in her own time.

A gem of a book I've discovered recently called "Have a new teenager by Friday" by Dr Kevin Leman, has suggested I ask only once, walk away and let the chips fall where they may. It has been extremely hard not to keep checking whether she's done it yet, but I'm delighted to say it worked - she did do everything in her own timing and when I thanked her for me not having to nag her, she ended up doing even more chores without me even asking her!

It was a wonderful reminder to me on the power of praise and saying thank you and making someone feel appreciated. We used it well when they were younger, but somewhere along the line we forget that teens also need praise just as much as toddlers.

My new challenge now is to stop focusing on the things she hasn't done, but to seek out the small, even insignificant things that she has, that I so often have taken for granted. And when I find them, I plan to shower her with as much praise and appreciation as possible.

Sometimes our lack of trust for them to do a job right, or to do it when we want it done, makes them miss out on an opportunity to grow into a helpful, responsible adult.

Christmas with Teenagers

Christmas holds many opportunities to connect with our teenagers. From decorating the tree and house together, to shopping, gift wrapping, card making, baking, deciding on the menu, cooking and last but not least, selecting what Christmas movie to watch together as a family.

I've come to realise the importance of creating special Christmas family traditions that will become happy memories they will carry with them into adulthood. Whatever makes your Christmas time special, your teenage needs to be included, even firmly forced, if they are reluctant to join.

When it comes to gifts, we encourage our daughters giving heart, by allowing her to buy us something for Christmas, although we do set a limit to the cost. Whether it's handmade, from a market or the shops, it is fun for them to choose us something, even if you have to give them some ideas, and by spending their pocket money on it, it shows their appreciation to us as well.

Also, when buying gifts for your family and friends for Christmas, be a good example to them by not being overly materialstic or over spending. When we put thought into our gifts, or time, by making them ourselves, we teach them a great life lesson to give from the heart, instead of from your purse.
 
Keeping teenagers entertained over the holidays can be fun too - from making them the DJ for the Christmas music selection, to playing charades, board and card games, these are all still enjoyable at their age.

If you are doing the Christmas cooking yourself, get them involved in the menu choosing, buying and preparing of the meal. Let your teenage girl OR boy follow the recipe or your instructions for one of the dishes and see how they glow from praise when it is eaten and complimented on.

And in closing, do try to include a reminder to your teenager of the real reason for the season. If they won't attend Church with you, then say a prayer before you enjoy your Christmas meal, so they will remember that they are celebrating Jesus's birth.

When your child says they hate you...

I have heard it said that if your child hates you, then you can be proud that you are doing a good job as a parent! If they haven't said it to your face, then rest assured they have at one time or another thought it! And if you disagree, then please do tell me your secret! I believe it is natural for a child and parent to have power struggles and if we are disciplining them correctly, then we must expect not to be liked at times.  However, as much as children hate being disciplined, secretly deep down in their soul, they are happy that we care enough to try to correct their behaviour.  There is nothing more sad than a parent who has given up on this, and a child will sense that.  In our home, after a much needed hiding or having her gadgets removed, my daughter becomes much more pleasant and well-behaved. When I first heard my daughter say she hated me, I cried in disbelief, thinking of what a failure I was as a mother, but after hearing accounts from other parents, I am relieved that this does seem to be a normal outburst, especially if they have not reached a maturity level of successfully identifying and expressing their emotions correctly.  

How we respond though is crucial... We may feel tempted to shout back in anger, but I have found that by letting them know you are sorry they feel that way, and that you know they don't really mean it and that you still love them, can often diffuse their anger, to some degree. We need to remember that it is not an easy job to guide and train up a rebellious child, but firm and consistent discipline will and does pay off in the end.  

Your child needs to know that you will not stand for unruly, defiant and disobedient behaviour, because if the truth be told, if we don't make a stand on this, we will fall for anything!! And if you feel like you have failed on this, remember it is never too late to start! Have a talk with them today, set out your boundaries and your expectations, explain the consequences of what they can expect and perhaps even a reward you know will help them comply.  I would also suggest apologising to them for having failed them in this regard, and then, take it one day at a time...

Rules - Relationship = Rebellion

Yup, it's that obvious - when you impose rules on your children, without it coming from a loving relationship with them, it will most certainly lead to rebellion.  Children need to know that the rules or boundaries have been made for their benefit, not just to be cruel, but for a reason they are too young to fully understand yet.  Like, for example, bed-time... When your child says that we are mean to make them go to bed so early and all their friends go to bed so much later, we need to explain to them the consequences of sleep deprivation and the importance of getting enough sleep! 

In saying that, we as parents also need to make sure we are setting rules that do have a benefit, as quite often they don't.  Sometimes we set rules just because we had to live by them as children, with very little thought as to the why.  Especially when you have a dictatorship parenting style, often rules are made just to show who's boss - especially with all those 'No' rules.  I believe it's time we as parent's start to analyze the rules we have in our home, and to throw out or adjust them accordingly.   We live in a new generation, so we need to adapt to our children's needs, setting boundaries and rules to keep them from harming themselves, both physically and emotionally.  Rules and boundaries are what make's a child feel safe, so it's up to us to set the right ones and make sure that there are effective consequences in place for when they break them - but always to be enforced and administered with love!! 

Mothering God's Children

Motherhood is probably the hardest job in the world!  There will be times when you will want to resign from the job or run away from the responsiblity and stress of it all, but hang in there...

I want to share a tip that has helped me greatly and has changed the way I parent - it's by changing your attitude and your perspective of your relationship with your child.

When you parent your child as 'YOUR' child, you tend to take the burden of their behaviour very personally, and see it as a reflection of you, as a failling parent.

However, I have discovered that when you see your child as 'GOD's' child, you are less likely to take their behaviour personally, and more likely to react better, by being more patient and forgiving.

Sometimes when I'm having a really tough time with my teenage daughter, I literally imagine myself as 'babysitting' or looking after God's child and not mine.  If you think about it, our children do really belong to God.  He entrusts us to look after them whilst we are on earth, but ultimately they are God's children, and not ours alone.

Somehow, this perspective takes away the stress of the whole motherhood responsiblity in having to have all the answers, and allows us to cry out to God for help more - I have on more than one occasion pleaded with God to deal with His kids, when I have reached the end of my rope.

Then I've walk away and most times, when I return later, I find a different, apologetic child, knowing that God has stepped in to take charge of the situation.