The Myth of Independence

As my nephew and daughter recently celebrated their independence on their 18 birthdays, with their entry into ‘Adulthood’, I found myself pondering on what independence actually means.

As a parent, I have always believed that our jobs are to train our children up to be independent one day, so they will know how to take care of themselves on their own.

Although at 18 years of age, very few are actually leaving home these days, they still need to be doing a lot more for themselves, with us doing a lot less for them.  Whatever chores your teenager is still delegated to do, these should be useful in preparing them for their future home and living life without you.

It is a sad truth that the South African high school curriculum, whether public or private, teaches very few life-skills that will actually help and benefit a young adult when leaving the nest.

It has become the parent’s job to mentor and train their teenagers on how to budget, how to shop wisely, how to eat healthy, read a recipe and cook for themselves, how to do the laundry, how to stack the dishwasher, how to sew on a button – the list is endless for the kind of essential life skills one needs these days!

Having said that, the very notion of being independent, in terms of the actual definition, is being free from control, influence, support or aid of others, and being allowed to make your own decisions.  

However, when you look at the Bible, our very guidebook and manual for our lives, the only verse with the word independent in it is found in 1 Corinthians 11:11 that says woman is not independent of man and man is not independent of woman.

God never created us to live like hermits, being independent, self-reliant or self-sufficient. He created us to live in unity with others, mutually benefiting, helping each other and being interdependent with our spouse, our family, friends and community. 

As individuals, we will always be governed by someone else, whether it be our teachers or lecturers, our bosses, our Pastor or our government, and we need to be teaching our teens how to respect and submit to someone else’s authority and control. 

In my opinion, becoming an adult is to finally have the common sense, wisdom and maturity to make good decisions, in all the areas that being 18 is now legal to partake of, such as drinking, smoking, driving, buying etc.  The other necessity is to have self-control of themselves and their emotions, which is something we need to be earnestly teaching our teenagers how to master, not only by example, but by correcting and discipling them from the Word of God. And lastly, and most important, we need to be teaching them how to be dependent on God, for everything.

Becoming an adult at 18 is a celebration not only for the teenager, but as parents, it is a wonderful time to reflect and rejoice in our accomplishment in seeing how our child has grown and blossomed into a responsible adult, with their own identity, opinions, their unique character and their own dreams for their future.

For me, it was a time to look back at all the obvious mistakes we had made in raising my daughter, and to share my retrospect wisdom to other mothers to help them avoid making them with their own children. If you missed this, you can read my 18 best parenting tips here, which I hope will enlighten you and help correct you in the way you are raising your teen.

I pray that your parenting roller-coaster journey will also end on a high at age 18!

 

 

 

 

 

My 18 Best Parenting Tips

In honor of my daughter's recent 18th Birthday, I thought I’d share my top 18 parenting tips with you, in no particular order.

Many of these I unfortunately had to learn from experience, in what not to do, so hopefully you will be able to avoid making some of the same mistakes I did.

Some of these could be elaborated on, so if you need some clarity on what I mean, or how to carry out any of these tips, please message me and I will be happy to guide you.

1. Teach them about God and Godly values openly and in practical ways
2. Focus on the emotion they are experiencing and not just the behavior
3. Focus on building character, and not always to keep them happy
4. Appreciate Parenthood as a gift from God, and not as a sacrificial chore
5. Making memories is much more important than spoiling them with bought things
6. Let them be bored, for therein lies their creativity and imagination
7. Always react to their tantrums in a calm voice and a firm tone
8. Acknowledge the effort as well, when celebrating achievements
9. Accept them for how God made them and don’t try to change them into you
10. Use every opportunity as a teaching moment and every experience as a life lesson
11. Discovery your child’s Love language and make sure show it daily
12. Teach your child respect, manners and self-control from an early age
13. Discipline with love, with consequences to change the behavior and not with punishment
14. Always be consistent, even when you don’t feel like it
15. Teach them that no always means no, but also be flexible to compromise
16. Limit their access to screens and gadgets and install security software to protect them
17. Never tolerate disrespect, defiance or purposeful disobedience
18. And last but not least, stay humble, be forgivable and keep trying with each day…

Mother's Day Musings

In honour of all the perfectly imperfect Mothers around the world, who celebrated Mothers Day on Sunday, like South Africa, I hope that these musings will leave you feeling encouraged and proud to be a Mom...

I woke up on Sunday to a beautifully, heartfelt digitally made e-card from my teenage daughter. It made me smile knowing that only a few days before, we were each other's worst enemy.  Although I didn't get any breakfast in bed, her expressions of love and gratefulness meant a lot. 

The truth is that loving a teenager can often be hard, and although it is suppose to be unconditional, there are still days when she pushes my buttons a bit too deep, that I fantasize about running away or God forbid, strangling her.

Thankfully, it is with God's grace that I get a new opportunity each morning to try and be a better Mother, and on days when I fail miserably, He also gives me the strength and courage to apologize and to make amends. Note that I said better and not best, as I don't believe we could ever do this job perfectly, because in reality, we are only human. 

And whilst there may be many Super-moms out their raising their team of kids, who make the job look easy and effortless, there are just as many of us who struggle and sometimes even question God's wisdom in making us Mothers in the first place, or giving us the children He did. To those moms, I urge you not to compare yourself or allow guilt and condemnation to down play the amazing job that God has entrusted you with. 

We can only set ourselves free from these negative feelings, when we realize that Gods's plan for Motherhood was for it to refine us and make us a little bit more like Jesus, and our specific child or children were carefully chosen just for us, for this very purpose.

One of the fears I have as a Mother, is that I have not raised my daughter well enough to be a well-adjusted, functional, responsible, good person adult. That how she turns out will be a reflection of all my failed moments that will come back to haunt me with blame and shame, But God is so good at offering me hope every now and again, giving  me a glimpse of her unique, specialness that shines into my heart, to melt these fears. 

So as we continue this tug of war between independence and support, I am learning to trust God in the process. I seek ways to rejoice in my daughters strengths, build her confidence, character and integrity, whilst ensuring she is well fed and holistically healthy. I accept the fact that I don't always get it right, and that one day she may end up on a therapist's couch and moan about all the mistakes we made raising her. Or she may one day remember our good bonding moments like this Lockdown Mothers Day, of snuggling together on the couch, enjoying delicious snacks, whist crying hopelessly through our binge watching of our favourite TV show, Greys Anatomy, and feeling strangely unified in our mask-wearing...

Rewind for a Do-over

Have you ever said something to your teen that you immediately regretted?

As much as I don’t mean to, I seem to do that quite often, especially when I am stressed from work or just plain hormonally grumpy!

There are times my teen also seems to over-react or fly off the handle over things she is not happy about, usually in a less than respectful manner.

When this happens, we’ve started a new role-play game where we get to ask for a ‘Rewind and a do-over’, which has been a God-send.

Although our mean words cannot be literally erased by a rewind, by practicing better ways of expressing ourselves, we are learning how to speak with love better, regardless of our emotions.

Staying in Neutral

My teenage daughter recently brought to my attention that I tend to turn into The Hulk every time I disapprove of her behaviour or attitude.

When this happens, she rolls her eyes and tells me to calm down, which only gets me even more mad! It seems that, like a car, when I rev or hoot in anger, she literally tunes out and doesn't hear me at all.

So I've been trying to react in a more neutral state, still expressing my disapproval and firmly disciplining her, but in a more loving tone, without turning into the Hulk. And I have to share, it is proving much more effective.
 
When she says or does something that pushes my buttons, I now choose to put on my inner hazards to caution myself to react in a neutral tone, instead of accelerating in anger and hooting my mouth off with punishments, that in most cases are neither effective nor practical.

Responding in a calm, neutral manner, allows me to tap into God's wisdom to enforce a discipline that will bring about a changed and improved behaviour, instead of just a rebellious, hardened heart.

The Power of Thanks

I have recently been convicted of being a helicopter mom to my teen, forever nagging and repeating my many requests for her to do stuff - whether it's to clean her room, do her chores etc etc and certainly not trusting her to do it in her own time.

A gem of a book I've discovered recently called "Have a new teenager by Friday" by Dr Kevin Leman, has suggested I ask only once, walk away and let the chips fall where they may. It has been extremely hard not to keep checking whether she's done it yet, but I'm delighted to say it worked - she did do everything in her own timing and when I thanked her for me not having to nag her, she ended up doing even more chores without me even asking her!

It was a wonderful reminder to me on the power of praise and saying thank you and making someone feel appreciated. We used it well when they were younger, but somewhere along the line we forget that teens also need praise just as much as toddlers.

My new challenge now is to stop focusing on the things she hasn't done, but to seek out the small, even insignificant things that she has, that I so often have taken for granted. And when I find them, I plan to shower her with as much praise and appreciation as possible.

Sometimes our lack of trust for them to do a job right, or to do it when we want it done, makes them miss out on an opportunity to grow into a helpful, responsible adult.

Christmas with Teenagers

Christmas holds many opportunities to connect with our teenagers. From decorating the tree and house together, to shopping, gift wrapping, card making, baking, deciding on the menu, cooking and last but not least, selecting what Christmas movie to watch together as a family.

I've come to realise the importance of creating special Christmas family traditions that will become happy memories they will carry with them into adulthood. Whatever makes your Christmas time special, your teenage needs to be included, even firmly forced, if they are reluctant to join.

When it comes to gifts, we encourage our daughters giving heart, by allowing her to buy us something for Christmas, although we do set a limit to the cost. Whether it's handmade, from a market or the shops, it is fun for them to choose us something, even if you have to give them some ideas, and by spending their pocket money on it, it shows their appreciation to us as well.

Also, when buying gifts for your family and friends for Christmas, be a good example to them by not being overly materialstic or over spending. When we put thought into our gifts, or time, by making them ourselves, we teach them a great life lesson to give from the heart, instead of from your purse.
 
Keeping teenagers entertained over the holidays can be fun too - from making them the DJ for the Christmas music selection, to playing charades, board and card games, these are all still enjoyable at their age.

If you are doing the Christmas cooking yourself, get them involved in the menu choosing, buying and preparing of the meal. Let your teenage girl OR boy follow the recipe or your instructions for one of the dishes and see how they glow from praise when it is eaten and complimented on.

And in closing, do try to include a reminder to your teenager of the real reason for the season. If they won't attend Church with you, then say a prayer before you enjoy your Christmas meal, so they will remember that they are celebrating Jesus's birth.